Is your child possessive with friends? 8 practical strategies

When your child shows possessive behaviour with friends, it’s important to help them understand that friendships are enriching, not competitive. Here are practical strategies you can use to improve their attitude and understanding of social relationships.

Why is my child possessive with friends?

Before intervening, it’s important to understand what might be behind this behaviour. Common reasons include:

• Emotional insecurity or fear of losing a friend.
• Difficulty sharing space or attention.
• Lack of experience in diverse groups.
• Beliefs such as “if my friend plays with others, they don’t like me anymore.”
• Childhood jealousy they don’t know how to express otherwise.

Recognising this allows you to approach the situation with understanding rather than immediate correction.

Practical tips

1. Introduce the concept of “Friend Circles”

Children often think that having a “best friend” means the friendship must be exclusive. It’s important to teach that social relationships are flexible and enriching when each friend occupies a unique place, and that all friends can have other friends without reducing the bond.

Practical Example:

Draw concentric circles (like a target) with your child:

• Centre: your child, the core person.
• First circle: closest friends, those they play with most or share special activities.
• Next circle: schoolmates or occasional playmates.

Explain that these circles can expand and change, and that every friend has a special place without diminishing others.

How to say it:

“It’s wonderful that your friend has other friends. It means everyone can enjoy different experiences. You can also have many friends, and each one is special. That’s how your circle of friends grows and becomes more fun!”

2. Encourage empathy with simple phrases and daily situations

Young children need concrete, age-appropriate tools to understand other people’s feelings.

Sample phrases to practise:

• “We can all play together; it will be more fun.”
• “I’d also like to be invited to play.”
• “When we play together, everyone has different ideas, and that makes games more fun.”

Real case:

Julia, 5, didn’t want her friend Clara to play with other children. Her mother said: “Julia, how do you feel when you’re left out of a game? Sometimes Clara feels the same if we don’t let her play with whoever she wants. What can we do so everyone is happy?”

That conversation helped Julia understand Clara’s perspective and suggest shared games.

3. Set clear rules about respect and freedom in friendships

Children need clear boundaries to learn to socialise:

• Friends can play with others without it meaning they don’t care.
• No one owns their friends; everyone has the right to choose.

Ways to reinforce this:

• Read books together about shared friendships (e.g., “We Treat Each Other Well” by Lucía Serrano).
• Set group play rules:

  👉 “Everyone can decide who to play with.”

  👉 “It’s fine if someone wants to change games.”

  👉 “Everyone deserves to feel included.”

4. Create an “Emotions Chart” to identify and manage jealousy

When childhood jealousy or frustration arises, the goal isn’t to deny the emotion but to help your child recognise and manage it.

How to do it:

• Draw a chart or use coloured emojis.
• Associate each emotion with a colour:

  🟡 Happiness

  🔴 Anger

  🔵 Sadness

  🟢 Jealousy

• When a conflict happens, ask your child to pick a colour that represents their feeling.

Questions to guide them:

• How did you feel when you saw your friend playing with another child?
• What would you call that emotion?
• How could you feel better next time?

This helps normalise emotions and encourages problem-solving rather than possessiveness.

5. Boost self-esteem to feel secure in relationships

Possessive behaviour often stems from personal insecurities. Strengthening self-esteem helps children feel valuable without needing exclusive friendships.

Daily actions:

• Praise qualities: “You’re so funny; that’s why people like playing with you.”
• Encourage independence: “You made new friends at the park today; well done!”
• Avoid labels like “so jealous” or “doesn’t know how to share”, which reinforce negative behaviour.

6. Avoid modelling authoritarian behaviour at home

Children often repeat what they observe:

Do:

• Avoid phrases like “We do it my way” or “Because I said so”.
• Promote dialogue and shared decision-making at home.
• Demonstrate empathy and respect in family interactions.

Remember: children learn more from what they see than what they’re told.

7. Develop social skills

When a child imposes their will, it’s key to teach assertive social interaction.

Signs of aggressive behaviour:

• Always ordering or deciding.
• Raising their voice or showing defiance.
• Ignoring others’ feelings or needs.

How to help:

• Teach expressing wants without imposing.
• Practice phrases:

  👉 “Can we play what I want afterwards?”

  👉 “Would you like to decide together?”

• Show that respecting others doesn’t mean giving up desires, but finding ways to coexist.

8. Help them understand they can’t always be in charge

Children used to deciding everything need to learn that life isn’t always about getting their way.

How to teach:

• Let them experience small frustrations at home:

  👉 Not always choosing the film, game, or story.

  👉 Turn-taking, voting, or group decisions.

• Validate emotions but maintain firm boundaries.

This helps them accept that friends also choose who to play with and what activities to join.

What will your child learn?

✔️ Friendships are free and enriching, allowing shared play without fear of losing anyone.

✔️ How to manage emotions like jealousy and frustration healthily.

✔️ Improved self-esteem and emotional security, promoting healthy relationships.

✔️ Development of empathy and respect for others’ feelings and choices.

Conclusion

If your child is possessive with friends, it’s essential to teach that friendships enrich, not compete. Using approaches like friend circles, fostering empathy, and teaching respect rules helps them understand diverse, positive relationships. Boosting self-esteem and providing tools to manage jealousy builds confidence, improving social interactions and overall emotional well-being.